Chances are, you already know exactly who these pesky characters are. They reside somewhere in your life and you can pinpoint the distress caused by their presence. Guess what, friends? This is your one pass to be selfish in the most unadulterated sense of the word – do what is absolutely best for you and deal with these people. Sometimes it’s as easy as ejecting them from your life. No yellow flag; no red flag. You’re the ref – get their butts outta there. This is especially true with friends and aquaintances. Not a co-worker? Not a family member? Not a roommate? Those all present certain complications. So if a negative person doesn’t fall into any of these categories, ditch whatever excuses you’ve manifested out of the mist of guilt and procrastination. Troublesome rejects don’t deserve your time, your attention, or rent free room in your head. Farewell, y’all!
Liars. Gaslighters. Enablers. Users. Think of anyone who makes you feel invalidated when you’re in serious distress. Picture anyone who tries to manipulate with backhanded slights dressed as compliments or makes unkind criticisms that are not constructive in any way. Straight up – these dicks can find a skanky crevice and get totally fucked. There are people that always take more than they give. Do you have a “friend” who is constantly late to meet up with you or cannot be troubled to respond to any correspondence when it comes from your end? Is there someone who reveals information when you’ve divulged it in confidence? GET…RID…OF…THEM! These maniacs usually compensate for their general shittiness with other traits that appear positive until you scratch the surface. Maybe they are hilarious and are adept at busting guts – honestly, it’s difficult to be pissed at somebody that makes you laugh, right? Or perhaps they’ll do a “big favor” for you once in awhile, which guilts you into tolerating their douchebaggery. Let’s just come out and say it – that is one shoddy friendship, if you can even call it that at all. Take out the trash.
Now, the complicated categories. Co-workers. Let’s keep this one simple and brief. Are you able to distance yourself from this person during work? Yes – do it. No? Can you change shifts? If yes – do it. No again? Speak politely, discreetly, and professionally to a manager or owner about it. You never know, other people may have the same complaints as you. If this action is not fruitful and this co-worker is causing incredible strife in your daily existence, start looking for another job. Simple as that. Please, don’t come out with “I can’t just get another job.”. The hell you can’t. There is plenty of work to be done in this world. Embrace change or confront the toxic motherfucker making your life suck eggs at work.
Roommate? Confront them or move. That’s it. Yes, I am entirely serious. That’s the sage advice. Do you want to fix the situation or not? Take a shot of whiskey and get your shit together.
Family. Oh, this one is the real issue. Negative, dishonest, unsavory people can and sometimes do exist right within our inherited circle and depending on how close we are to these individuals, it is possibly one of the most wretched feelings in the world. If it’s a situation in which the entire family has reached the consensus that a particular family member cannot be trusted or taken seriously, that would make it a little easier to cope with. At least other people would be in your corner should a problem arise with this person. But what if it’s a more one on one relationship and this pain in the ass loved one is downright toxic, manipulative, dishonest, narcissistic, etc.? Pick your poison. Perhaps they are a grimy cocktail of all these nasty traits.
Okay, champs – this is where I get into my own personal experience and what I’ve garnered from it. My mother. She is the one person that had to be distanced from me both physically and emotionally for complete peace of mind – the peace isn’t quite complete in all honesty, but it’s getting there. The absolute worst part about the situation is that my mother’s harmful nature was so elusive and so goddamn pernicious that I couldn’t identify it or face up to it until I was well into adulthood. And, let’s be for real here, by the time we’re grown ups the damage is done – it’s fucking engrained. Better late than never to fight the seeping negativity though. Now, I should probably delve into some specifics here. There’s no fairness in simply declaring the woman who gave birth to me is an asshole. That is not helpful to myself or to anyone reading this who may be looking for a little empathy and understanding and maybe guidance for their own situation. Let’s go- We’re going to talk about Marie.
Growing up, there was a sense that my mother was doing the wrong things. But she had such a way of acting “normal” ninety-five percent of the time, everyone thought things were fine – including myself. And the reason is that she wasn’t a piece of shit the rest of the time. She never beat me. She always encouraged and rewarded good grades. Books were always in the house to read. She taught me how to bake and talked to me and played games with me and told me I should persue my talents and interests. Sounds pretty good right? Most would say that outlines a decent if not wonderful childhood. And you know what? Sometimes it was.
What about the other five percent of the time though? You see, even if a person’s life is mostly impeccable that one ounce of poor behavior can put a wrecking ball through all the good times and all the people around them.
Marie was a cheater. Maybe she was fucking mental and couldn’t help herself. As an adult, I catch her in small, strange lies whenever (on the rare occasion) we speak on the phone. Her marriage to my biological father didn’t last; they divorced when I was a toddler. There were a string of boyfriends between my father and Mark – husband number two. Mark was an amazing dad – I won’t even call him a stepfather because he was so much more than that. He transcended that word and was just a full on dad. Maybe I’ll write a blog just on him someday. Today is unfortunately Marie’s day. Suffice it to say that he was a wonderful man that provided for us, loved us, would do anything for us. She was cheating on him at the beginning of the marriage with a state trooper named John that she had been seeing before she met Mark. He came to our house a couple times while Mark was at work and I vividly recall my mom standing at the doorway once while he was leaving and flashing one of her legs at him from under her nightgown. I always remember John because while they were dating, he was fond of smoking a pipe and once tried to make me eat cold peas at the dinner table because I didn’t want to finish my meal. He wore glasses and a pencil thin mustache. He was also married to a lady named Barbara – so winners all around here, motherfuckers.
Mark never suspected and as a five/six year old, I couldn’t completely comprehend the situation. So Marie got away with that one. Later on, I suspected she was sleeping with another man named Pat that our family only saw when we went on camping trips, but I have no proof and witnessed nothing but a lot of flirting. By then, I was old enough for that to bother me.
Then came Larry – Jesus jumped up Christ – this fucking clown. First of all, this guy didn’t have a thing on Mark. He was just this weird, goofy dude that managed KB toys in the mall where my mother also worked. Once, she brought me to his house and left me dowstairs to play with his kids while they went upstairs to fool around. After that, I don’t remember her even trying to conceal the affair with any kind of eloquence. When Mark finally confronted her about it, she denied everything and I got to lay in bed and listen at night while my mother made tearful proclomations like, “I live for you.”, lying right to his face when even I knew the truth. She did one of those “attempted suicide” situations and I was put into a foster home at the age of 11 – maybe 12 – not exactly sure what the year was.
Marie now lives with her third husband many miles away from my location. I think we’re going to put a pin in this subject for today because it is still strenuous and painful to dwell on, but I just wanted to demonstrate how the poor actions of one close family member can completely crush everyone around them and impress upon anyone who needs to know this – it is ok to surgically remove them from your inner circle and have as little interaction with them as you deem fit. Personally, I go months without speaking to my mother – and have come to a point where I do not miss her. I attempted to resolve it once, years ago. I began by telling her that some of the things that happened in my childhood – all the moving around, for one – really messed me up. What was the first thing out of her mouth?
“Well, you turned out to be a well rounded person.”
That was the official and dead end in our relationship – on my end anyway. There was nowhere else to go. We will do a “Marie Part 2”, especially for those of you struggling with mother issues. There was so much more damage, so many more issues with this woman. But let’s save a second helping for another time.
Take care my lovies,
Ms. Snow